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In a Tiny Buddha personal essay, an autistic writer says years of studying and imitating social behaviors to appear “normal” left him exhausted and led him to dread some things he had once enjoyed. He describes gradually easing that effort, having energy left at the end of the day and seeing some relationships improve, while noting that sensory difficulties and hard days did not disappear.
A writer who identifies as autistic says in a personal essay published by Tiny Buddha that easing his efforts to appear “normal” left him with energy at the end of the day and helped some of his real friendships improve. His account describes a gradual change in everyday behavior—not a cure or a claim that autism-related challenges disappeared—and offers a first-person perspective on the cost he associates with masking.
The writer says he spent much of his life studying and imitating social behavior: rehearsing facial expressions, monitoring eye contact and memorizing conversational rules. He describes the effort as a performance that made him seem comfortable in public but left him spent afterward. He says he did not always have the word “autistic” while growing up, and recalls being teased and asked whether he was from another planet.
In the essay, he links that prolonged effort to exhaustion, dread around social plans and difficulty answering calls. He says invitations piled up and that he canceled plans. He also says he blamed himself and assumed he needed to try harder, even though he was already working to manage interactions. These are his reported experiences; the essay does not present clinical findings or establish that masking produces the same effects for every autistic person.
His changes were incremental: allowing himself to look away rather than force eye contact, fidget or rock when he wanted to, and sometimes head out early or seek quiet without apologizing for needing it. He says some friendships faded when he stopped performing, while his real friendships got better. He also describes choosing a quiet coffee shop or spending time with one friend instead of going to a party. He writes that he still experiences sensory overload, which he tries to understand as information about his environment rather than evidence that something is wrong with him.
The account offers a personal description of autistic masking, including studying eye contact and conversation and trying to appear at ease. It may resonate with readers who recognize a gap between how they seem in public and how they feel afterward, while remaining one person’s testimony rather than a measure of how common or uniform that experience is.
The essay’s practical point is that changing one’s behavior need not mean abandoning every social relationship or making a dramatic declaration. The writer describes changes such as looking away, fidgeting or seeking quiet; he also advises readers to try one unguarded change in a safe place. He says he chose quieter settings and had energy left at the end of the day for things he enjoyed. His experience does not establish that those choices will work the same way for others, or that the social barriers he describes have been resolved.
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From Childhood Difference to Self-Acceptance
The writer traces his attempt to fit in to childhood experiences of teasing and feeling unsafe because he was different. He says he studied other people and imitated their behavior. Only later does he describe that effort using the term masking: a social performance that, in his telling, left him exhausted and cost him energy.
The essay does not give a detailed timeline for when he recognized himself as autistic or began changing his habits. Instead, it presents the turning point as gradual: he says there was no sudden revelation, but a growing sense that continuing the performance indefinitely would leave him unhappy. The reported shift describes his account of accepting that he is autistic and being himself, not a formal treatment plan or a broad study of autism.
““That’s what masking is, though I didn’t call it that at the time.””
— The writer, in the Tiny Buddha essay
One Account, Not a Universal Pattern
The source is a first-person essay, and it does not provide independent reporting, clinical evidence or interviews with other autistic people. It is unclear from the supplied material when the essay was published, how the writer’s circumstances have changed since publication, or whether the friendships and routines he describes remain the same. His account cannot show how masking affects autistic people generally; experiences and support needs vary.
The essay also does not establish that reducing masking is safe or feasible in every setting. The writer advises readers to try a small change in a safe place, but does not specify where he made his own changes. The pressures and consequences a person faces when changing how they communicate may differ substantially.
Small Changes, No Set Timeline
The essay offers no announced follow-up, formal program or next publication milestone. Its next steps are personal: the writer encourages readers who recognize the exhaustion of performing to try one small, unguarded change in a safe place and notice how it feels. He writes that people worth keeping do not flinch at such changes. That is advice from the essayist, not a prescribed approach for everyone.
For readers considering changes to routines or communication, the account leaves room for individual judgment. They may choose what feels manageable and seek support from people they trust. The writer’s own account makes clear that easing the pressure to appear normal did not remove sensory overload or all difficult days; what changed, he says, was how he understood and responded to sensory overload.
Key Questions
What does the writer mean by masking?
He uses masking to describe consciously imitating social behaviors—such as eye contact, facial expressions and conversational habits—to appear more socially comfortable. That is his description of his own experience.
What changed when he eased the performance?
He says he had more energy at the end of the day, made choices that better suited his preferences and found some relationships more genuine. He also says some friendships did not continue.
Did stopping masking resolve his difficulties?
No. He says he still has hard days and experiences sensory overload. His account describes a shift in self-perception and daily choices, not the disappearance of challenges.
Does the essay show that all autistic people should stop masking?
No. It is one writer’s personal account, not research or guidance that applies to everyone. People’s circumstances, support needs and ability to change social behavior can differ.
Source: rss
